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Encountering denial, especially when it occurs frequently, is far from pleasant. A publisher is declining your work, delivering a firm “Nope.” As a writer, I am no stranger to setbacks. I commenced pitching articles half a century past, upon college graduation. Since then, I have had two novels declined, along with article pitches and countless essays. During the recent 20 years, focusing on personal essays, the refusals have grown more frequent. In a typical week, I receive a setback multiple times weekly—amounting to more than 100 annually. In total, rejections in my profession run into thousands. By now, I could claim a PhD in rejection.

However, does this seem like a self-pitying tirade? Not at all. As, now, at seven decades plus three, I have come to terms with being turned down.

By What Means Have I Managed It?

For perspective: By this stage, nearly everyone and their relatives has given me a thumbs-down. I haven’t counted my win-lose ratio—it would be quite demoralizing.

A case in point: recently, a publication turned down 20 pieces in a row before saying yes to one. A few years ago, over 50 book publishers rejected my book idea before a single one gave the green light. A few years later, 25 agents passed on a project. One editor suggested that I send potential guest essays less often.

My Steps of Setback

Starting out, every no hurt. It felt like a personal affront. It seemed like my creation was being turned down, but who I am.

Right after a manuscript was rejected, I would begin the phases of denial:

• First, shock. How could this happen? Why would they be blind to my talent?
• Next, denial. Maybe it’s the wrong person? It has to be an administrative error.
• Then, dismissal. What do any of you know? Who made you to judge on my efforts? It’s nonsense and their outlet stinks. I refuse this refusal.
• Fourth, anger at the rejecters, then anger at myself. Why do I do this to myself? Am I a glutton for punishment?
• Fifth, negotiating (often seasoned with optimism). What will it take you to see me as a once-in-a-generation talent?
• Sixth, depression. I lack skill. Worse, I can never become any good.

So it went through my 30s, 40s and 50s.

Great Precedents

Of course, I was in fine fellowship. Tales of writers whose manuscripts was initially rejected are plentiful. Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. The writer of Dubliners. Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22. Nearly each renowned author was originally turned down. If they could persevere, then possibly I could, too. The sports icon was not selected for his youth squad. The majority of Presidents over the recent history had previously lost races. Sylvester Stallone claims that his movie pitch and desire to appear were turned down numerous times. “I take rejection as an alarm to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat,” he has said.

The Seventh Stage

Then, when I entered my later years, I achieved the seventh stage of setback. Peace. Currently, I better understand the many reasons why someone says no. Firstly, an editor may have already featured a comparable article, or be planning one in progress, or simply be contemplating something along the same lines for another contributor.

Or, more discouragingly, my submission is of limited interest. Or the reader feels I am not qualified or reputation to be suitable. Or isn’t in the field for the content I am offering. Or was busy and read my submission too fast to recognize its abundant merits.

Go ahead call it an realization. Everything can be declined, and for any reason, and there is pretty much little you can do about it. Certain rationales for rejection are forever beyond your control.

Manageable Factors

Some aspects are under your control. Admittedly, my pitches and submissions may sometimes be flawed. They may lack relevance and resonance, or the idea I am struggling to articulate is not compelling enough. Or I’m being flagrantly unoriginal. Maybe a part about my grammar, especially commas, was unacceptable.

The point is that, in spite of all my long career and rejection, I have achieved recognized. I’ve authored multiple works—my first when I was middle-aged, another, a autobiography, at retirement age—and in excess of numerous essays. These works have appeared in newspapers big and little, in diverse platforms. My debut commentary was published decades ago—and I have now contributed to that publication for half a century.

However, no bestsellers, no signings in bookshops, no features on TV programs, no presentations, no honors, no Pulitzers, no international recognition, and no national honor. But I can more readily take no at my age, because my, humble successes have softened the stings of my many rejections. I can choose to be reflective about it all at this point.

Instructive Rejection

Setback can be educational, but only if you listen to what it’s trying to teach. Otherwise, you will almost certainly just keep taking rejection all wrong. What teachings have I learned?

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